Women gone mad

Less courageous writers would cover their heads and quickly scamper away from the very sensitive subject which I am about to reveal with complete clarity – and without regard to significant repercussions that are sure to follow.

As you are well aware, dear reader, this is the season of “March Madness” all throughout the land. This is when fanatical followers of college basketball exhibit their infinite wisdom of college teams and players and coaches and venues by engaging in what has become known throughout sporting circles as “bracketology.”

These marvelously studious “bracketologists” can easily cite team and player statistics, such as shooting percentages and rebounds per game, with remarkable ease. They project an incredible wealth of knowledge of player minutes per game, turnovers and “points in the paint.” In short, their college basketball wisdom is both towering and intimidating. Clearly, mere mortals have no business locking horns with them. No business at all.

Recently I was pleasantly approached by a fellow worker whose writings can regularly be found in the sports section of this publication. He had in his hand an NCAA basketball tournament bracket. Knowing that I have not earnestly followed college basketball this season and not wishing to be pummeled into a crumpled mess by professional heavyweights possessing far more college hoop knowledge than I, I wisely declined to participate.

Or so I thought.

The leaders at the “Sweet 16” mark of the infamous brackets circulating throughout this establishment were posted on a nearby bulletin board this past week. Curiously, the all-knowing bracketologists representing the top college basketball minds in this building were not on the list.

Here’s the top five: Eloise, Sabrina, Donita, Tiffany and Amy.

That’s right. Not a single, male NCAA hoop wizard from this vaunted establishment can be found anywhere near the top. In fact, by my calculation, they are down by the equivalent of 75 points at the half.

It is a logical conclusion that Eloise, Sabrina, Donita, Tiffany and Amy will soon find themselves with new assignments here based on their obvious intuition that clearly revealed a keen knowledge of NCAA basketball – and a refusal to be intimidated by fanatical and diabolical bracketologists who are employed in this building.

After digesting the recent bulletin board posting, I was infinitely relieved that I did not fill out an NCAA tournament bracket where I too would have likely suffered an ignominious trampling by Eloise, Sabrina, Donita, Tiffany and Amy. They are the irrefutable queens of the Sweet 16 and all other bracketologists herein must now dutifully bow before them in recognition of their uncanny superiority.

While I have dutifully protected the identities of those other than the fascinating Top Five, I must confess that March Madness, to me, has never before seemed quite this sane or quite this sweet.